Don’t Be That Guy
The five tools you meet after eleven.
Written by Justine Blanchard
Hooking up at the bar isn’t always a challenge. Something about the combination of dim lighting, deafening music, and raucous peers seems to render most patrons helpless to the unassailable call of romance. Well, that and the gallons and gallons of liquor. But sometimes, even the most well seasoned lady-killer needs to polish up his game. Especially if you’re anything like the five personalities below. The first step is admitting you have a problem.
The Creeper
Believe it or not, girls don’t like to be ogled by the shady guy across the room—ever. Instead of leering at her, try good old-fashioned eye contact with a smile. She appreciates that you think she looks nice, but use your words. Simply staring at her butt for three hours freaks her out. You’re much more likely to get a smile—and who knows, maybe even her number—if you don’t remind her of the nightmares she had after watching “Silence of the Lambs.”
The Wild and Crazy Guy
If your idea of dancing is slamming your groin against some unsuspecting girl, this is you. No, she does not want your crotch attached to her hip. And no, she’s really not impressed with how many shots you can throw back and remain standing (wobbly, but standing). Here’s a tip: Try talking to the girl of your desire before getting trashed. It sounds crazy, but you really will have a better shot if you’re not dribbling SoCo. Girls like to party too, but forgive us if we don’t want to swap spit with the guy puking in the bushes.
The Pusher
She has to pee every time you try to dance with her. She isn’t thirsty when you offer her a drink. She only meets your eye line in between scouring the room desperately. Either she’s expecting to be assassinated at any moment, or she’s just not interested. Whichever is true, there’s no potential there, and your attentions would be better given elsewhere. You aren’t be interested in the needy girl who won’t leave you alone either.
The Poser
Just because girls appreciate a sensitive guy doesn’t mean we’ll fall at your feet if you’ve seen “The Notebook.” The same goes for fellas who want to wow us with their pseudo-insights. It’s nice that you listen to alternative music and wouldn’t be caught dead in Abercrombie, but putting down everyone who’s different from you—emo kids and preps alike—is a major turn off. And if you’re faking your depth to get in our pants, you’re better off swimming in the shallow end.
The Ladies Man
Is that line dipped in ipecac? Because it makes us want to vomit. It doesn’t matter if you heard it on “The Pick-up Artist”—all lines are bad lines. They’re lame, cliché, and down right insulting to a woman’s intelligence. Instead of laying on the slime, give us something original: your personality. Any girl worth her weight in “Do you have a mirror in your pocket because I see myself in your pants’s” will be much more impressed with that.
