Misadventures in Self-Improvement

Taking Regis Philbin’s advice isn’t always a good thing.

Words by Kristina McGuirk

I’ve never once thought about how to make friends. Or how to argue. Or even how to snag my dream man. I thought it was a natural progression. Oh, how I was deceived. Apparently, these last 21 years have been pitiful—and I’ve been doing everything wrong.

I was blissfully ignorant of my defective lifestyle until I met the “Self-Improvement” section of Barnes and Noble. Everything I could ever need to know was within a 20-foot radius. From “Dying Well” (a P.C. way to say death for dummies?) to “What to Say When You Talk to Yourself,” it was clear that my ignorance was showing.

“How to Win Friends & Influence People” sounded like a solid choice, so I took a peek. What I saw was alarming: “How to get the most out of reading the book.” A how-to for a how-to was a little much for this newly awakened dummy. Nonetheless, the seas of self-improvement must be sailed with a keen eye, so I decided to make the purchase.

But then I saw it. THE book. It was calling me, begging me to change my life. “How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You” by Leil Lowndes would work. It had to: Regis Philbin endorsed it.

Subtle seduction
New bible in hand, I headed back to my sorority house, hoping for some quiet time to read. But when my sorority sisters discovered the gem, it was story time. To a captivated audience of “Huntresses” (single females), I covered the techniques highlighted in the book—skipping, of course, those tips directed at “Hunters” (single males).

Technique #1 was already embedded in my sorority-girl mentality: Always be dressed to kill. The second must-do was to stay psychologically “fit to kill.” Never let your radar down. If you’re fit to kill, you wake up everyday knowing that Greek god you’re looking for could be right around the corner.

The rest of the first impression involves eye contact, using Techniques #3 and #5: Intense Gaze and Sticky Eyes. Mostly, this means hold eye contact longer and make it more often. Watch “Wedding Crashers.” It’s accomplished with repeated success.

But Technique #4 is the golden ticket: Bedroom Eyes. Apparently, when you’re turned on, your pupils enlarge, which is subconsciously totally hot to the hunted. Problem is, talking about your professors usually won’t get you all worked up. Fix the dilemma by focusing on the most attractive features of the person you’re talking to (eyes, smile, dimples… not the chest, gentlemen), and your pupils should expand.

After recapping of few of the best first moves for Huntresses: dance alone to music, accidentally brush up against him, lick your lips during eye contact, and parade close to him with exaggerated hip movement, my girls and I dispersed to the bars. We couldn’t figure out any other place where the tricks might actually work.

And then I had my first reality check of my self-improvement high: I am undeniably introverted. Socially awkward. Maybe even off-puttingly quiet. The book should have had a disclaimer: Don’t read this unless you’ve already mastered your inner socialite.

After a while of practicing my moves, a random guy asked me if I touched his butt. I said yes. Sadly, his friend called me on my lie. I started Sticky Eyes with another guy. It was working well, until I realized he wasn’t at all attractive. When he started pulling the top first moves for hunters—“the nod”—I had to abort mission. I never did make it to Bedroom Eyes.

At least my sisters had some luck. One made sure to lick her lips during eye contact and received a bouquet of roses the next day. Another kept to the eye contact and good conversation rules and picked up a grad student.

So I failed at self-improving my love life. My attempt at glory was shot down, and all I’ve got to come home to at night is a stack of books—and new episodes of “The Millionaire Matchmaker.” I guess I suck at life…or at least Barnes and Noble made me think so.

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Click for more images Misadventures in Self-Improvement Taking Regis Philbin’s advice isn’t always a good thing. Words by Kristina McGuirk I’ve never once thought about how to make friends. Or how to argue. Or even how to snag my dream man. I thought it was a natural progression. Oh, how I was deceived. Apparently, these last 21 years have been pitiful—and I’ve been doing everything wrong. I was blissfully ignorant of my defective lifestyle until I met the “Self-Improvement” section of Barnes and Noble. Everything I could ever need to know was within a 20-foot radius. From “Dying Well” (a P.C. way to say death for dummies?) to “What to Say When You Talk to Yourself,” it was clear that my ignorance was showing. “How to Win Friends & Influence People” sounded like a solid choice, so I took a peek. What I saw was alarming: “How to get the most out of reading the book.” A how-to for a how-to was a little much for this newly awakened dummy. Nonetheless, the seas of self-improvement must be sailed with a keen eye, so I decided to make the purchase. But then I saw it. THE book. It was calling me, begging me to change my life. “How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You” by Leil Lowndes would work. It had to: Regis Philbin endorsed it. Subtle seduction New bible in hand, I headed back to my sorority house, hoping for some quiet time to read. But when my sorority sisters discovered the gem, it was story time. To a captivated audience of “Huntresses” (single females), I covered the techniques highlighted in the book—skipping, of course, those tips directed at “Hunters” (single males). Technique #1 was already embedded in my sorority-girl mentality: Always be dressed to kill. The second must-do was to stay psychologically “fit to kill.” Never let your radar down. If you’re fit to kill, you wake up everyday knowing that Greek god you’re looking for could be right around the corner. The rest of the first impression involves eye contact, using Techniques #3 and #5: Intense Gaze and Sticky Eyes. Mostly, this means hold eye contact longer and make it more often. Watch “Wedding Crashers.” It’s accomplished with repeated success. But Technique #4 is the golden ticket: Bedroom Eyes. Apparently, when you’re turned on, your pupils enlarge, which is subconsciously totally hot to the hunted. Problem is, talking about your professors usually won’t get you all worked up. Fix the dilemma by focusing on the most attractive features of the person you’re talking to (eyes, smile, dimples… not the chest, gentlemen), and your pupils should expand. After recapping of few of the best first moves for Huntresses: dance alone to music, accidentally brush up against him, lick your lips during eye contact, and parade close to him with exaggerated hip movement, my girls and I dispersed to the bars. We couldn’t figure out any other place where the tricks might actually work. And then I had my first reality check of my self-improvement high: I am undeniably introverted. Socially awkward. Maybe even off-puttingly quiet. The book should have had a disclaimer: Don’t read this unless you’ve already mastered your inner socialite. After a while of practicing my moves, a random guy asked me if I touched his butt. I said yes. Sadly, his friend called me on my lie. I started Sticky Eyes with another guy. It was working well, until I realized he wasn’t at all attractive. When he started pulling the top first moves for hunters—“the nod”—I had to abort mission. I never did make it to Bedroom Eyes. At least my sisters had some luck. One made sure to lick her lips during eye contact and received a bouquet of roses the next day. Another kept to the eye contact and good conversation rules and picked up a grad student. So I failed at self-improving my love life. My attempt at glory was shot down, and all I’ve got to come home to at night is a stack of books—and new episodes of “The Millionaire Matchmaker.” I guess I suck at life…or at least Barnes and Noble made me think so. What the book should tell you…. Don’t attempt these tips while you’re hammered. Buzzed, tipsy, or pleasantly social are perfectly acceptable. Beware of creepers. And hitting on people who are already dating someone. Someone who’s very territorial. Concoct an exit strategy in case of emergencies, such as those listed above. There’s a difference between “dress to kill” and “dress to sell” (as in, your body). Stick with the former. Be competitive—hot guys and gals get hit on by a lot of people. Don’t let the opposition crowd you out.
Copyright ©Drake Magazine Online 2008 *denotes Late Spring 2008 Stories